Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
