I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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