oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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