; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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