I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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