OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
