More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Watching her eat just hurts me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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