I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
