toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
