I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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