my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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