Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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