I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
