If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
