everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
