Swine flu. Run for my life!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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