saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
