you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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