just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
