turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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