Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize