There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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