his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
