dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
