Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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