Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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