my phone needs a breathalizer
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
