Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
