Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize