I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We're too hungover to prance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
