the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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