im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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