Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize