I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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