Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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