There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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