I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's shark week go big or go home
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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