I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize