Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
