i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
