it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
