either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
