I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
