Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
