i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
