The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
