I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
