we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize