fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
