hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
