I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Say something about gay babies.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
