So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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