You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
