I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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