I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
