she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
