so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
