the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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