Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
