Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
