Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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