I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
