im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
