Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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