just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
