before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
