It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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