Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
