Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
