i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
