How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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