I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
