Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
